I think we’re all familiar with the saying that it’s better to give than receive.
But what if it’s not always better?
Many years ago, I had a friend stay with me for a few months. He was going through a difficult time and needed a place to stay. It was, of course, my pleasure to help in any way I could.
Towards the end of his stay, he walked past my office one morning and saw me working away, and visibly stressed.
With a chipper voice, he leaned in and asked how I was doing. Without even looking up, I gave him the standard, "I'm good, thanks."
He wasn't buying it.
"No, you're not. Talk to me. Maybe I can help."
I politely brushed him off again, saying I was fine.
Then, to my surprise, the next words out of his mouth were: "You know, you're a selfish prick sometimes!"
Great, I thought. This is exactly what I need right now.
As anger began to stir, I fired back, "How the hell am I being selfish right now?"
Leaning over my desk, quite sternly, I might add, he asked, "How many times have you helped me?"
"Many times," I replied.
"And how did it feel each time you helped me?"
"It felt good, of course."
"Exactly!" he said. "And right now I have an opportunity to feel that way by helping you, and you won't let me. You selfish prick."
He turned to walk away.
"Stop," I said, as my mind reeled and the weight of what he'd just said began to sink in.
Damn... he's right.
I swallowed my pride.
"OK," I said. "Close the door and let's talk."
As I shared what I was carrying, the pressure I'd been holding onto immediately began to lift. My friend didn't magically solve my problem, but he gave me a different perspective that has stayed with me ever since.
His words also forced me to confront something I'd never considered before.
I had always thought refusing help was a sign of strength. That I was protecting other people from my problems. That I shouldn't burden anyone.
In reality, I was denying someone else the chance to do what I had always enjoyed doing myself.
To help.
If you've ever supported a friend, donated to a cause, volunteered your time or simply listened to someone who needed to talk, you'll know there is a quiet satisfaction that comes from being useful. We often think of giving as something we do for others, but the truth is it gives something back to us as well. It creates connection and meaning.
When we refuse an offer of help because of pride, independence or simply our discomfort in receiving it, we unintentionally interrupt that exchange.
American poet and civil rights activist Maya Angelou captured it beautifully when she wrote, "When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed."
So, is it better to give than receive?
Sometimes.
But allowing someone to help you can also be an act of generosity. It gives them the opportunity to experience the same sense of purpose, connection and fulfilment that you've probably experienced yourself.
Like any meaningful change, it's best to start small.
Most of us won't be asked to share our deepest struggles today.
But chances are we'll receive a compliment.
If I asked you which you're more comfortable with, giving a compliment or receiving one, how many of you would choose the latter? (Cue the crickets.)
The next time someone tells you that you did a great job, that you look nice or that they appreciate something you've done, notice your first instinct. If it's to dismiss it, explain it away or immediately return the compliment, pause.
Take a breath.
Smile.
And simply say, "Thank you."
Because sometimes the most generous thing you can do isn't giving.
It's giving someone else the chance to.
