I’ve always been fascinated by how eloquently people throughout history have distilled some of life’s greatest complexities into a single, profound sentence.
Put another way, I'm a quotes guy.
In 1913, Mohandas Gandhi wrote: "If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him... A wonderful thing it is, and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do."
Many decades later, author Arleen Lorrance paraphrased this passage into the much more familiar phrase, "Be the change you want to see," a quote that is still often attributed to Gandhi.
I first came across those words more than 30 years ago, and they almost instantly became a foundational pillar for me, both personally and professionally. At the time, I was struggling with feelings of anger, judgment, and isolation, and this simple sentence made perfect sense.
Like a compass, it became my due north, guiding me toward decisions that were more aligned with the peace and contentment I felt were missing from my life. It reminded me that while I wanted others to treat me with more understanding, kindness, and love, I had not always been offering those same things in return.
And so began my practice of being kind, caring, and respectful, diligently trying to "be the change" as a way to encourage that same treatment among others and, hopefully, toward myself as well.
It definitely made a difference. Some of those earlier feelings of separation began to ease.
Yet before long, I would find myself slipping back into old patterns and abandoning the very principles I had committed to.
Like most things in life, the epiphany turned out to be much easier than the application. Still, I carried on.
With every stumble came quicker recognition, and each recommitment became a little shorter than the last. But it still required an exhausting amount of energy at times. It was effective, yet something about it continued to feel incomplete.
This back and forth continued for more than a decade until one glorious morning, while brushing my teeth, the rubber finally hit the road.
I was replaying some of the previous day's events, what I liked to call my "roadkill," and happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I berated myself with every brush stroke, mercilessly criticizing my less-than-desirable reactions to what had transpired.
Staring back at me was the missing piece of the puzzle that had eluded me for years. Almost instantly, I understood why I had never been able to fully realize the power of those words.
I had practiced kindness, caring, and respect with almost everyone I encountered, except for one person who, based on the evidence, I didn't believe deserved it.
And that person was me.
American writer and teacher Jack Kornfield once wrote: "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."
For years, I had struggled to apply the idea of being the change I wished to see because my goal had been, unknowingly, transactional in nature. I was doing the change, but I wasn't being it.
My kindness was a kind of commerce. The reason these exchanges of love and respect felt so necessary was because I had not been giving them to myself first. And when those exchanges weren't returned, my demand for them only increased.
It's not that my approach had been wrong. It was simply incomplete.
If someone else had shared that exact same story with me that day, my first response would have been, "It's okay." Yet I couldn't seem to extend that same grace to myself.
There is a difference between demanding respect from others and commanding it. The distinction is subtle. Many people would struggle to articulate it, but they can feel it when they encounter it.
It is the quiet confidence that comes from treating yourself with kindness, compassion, and respect.
As we fill our own cups, our dependence on others to do it for us begins to diminish. And when our cup runneth over, it naturally spills onto those we care about and, ultimately, the rest of the world as well.
So, to be or not to be? For me, the question has been asked and answered.
How about you?
